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Wednesday 7th March 2012
Day 15
Wednesday 7th March 2012
Day 15
I
woke up from the hospital bed sweating. What's going on? Am I so fat
that I am insulating myself so much so that it is now accumulating!?
I feel so horrible. I am all knowing that my body is changing and as
a result I'm getting thoughts in anger
of myself for allowing myself to get so big. It makes each meal time
hard. I mean I don't have a problem with breakfast but it's becoming
a problem as more snacks and challenging foods are being added to the
prescribed meal plan.
Urination.
Constipation.
Inquiring
thought:
“Perhaps
I need to choose a bit more wisely what I select for my breakfast.
Should I be choosing more high fibre foods? Should I try changing my
original option of Cornflakes to Malties?”
Responsive
thought:
“No.”
This
was my response on the matter being debated within my mind. What was
my rationale for this decision?
Rationale
thought:
"Cornflakes
are low in fat.”
“Hang
on, but Malties have more fibre which is of benefit to me as it
requires the body to use more calories through digestion process.
High in insoluble fibre and therefore does not contain any calories
as such. So what to do?”
Reaction:
I
returned to the hospital bed and decided to research the calories and
fat. Aware to notice how the other patients seem to go for low
calorie choices but I'm favouring the lower fat options as well as
consisting a high fibre content. Yet despite such research I still
didn't get it. I went onto the “My Fitness Pal” app on my iPhone
to compare my top 5 snack choices and the top 5 snack choices that
another patient on the ward, Samantha Hilbert chooses. Aware to
notice myself comparing my option with Samantha to recognise that my
snack choices were despite higher in calories, my snacks were lower
in fat and higher in fibre.
Oh
I'm confused.
Thoughts:
I
know if my choices are 'healthy' but I don't have a connection with
them. For when I get out of hospital I know not to buy cake because
I know it's not good for me. But in here I suppose I can make an
exception. I can condition my mind to accept that this food is to be
'okay' purely on the basis that I accept that I am here to gain - as
much as I don't want to.”
“But
if I chose 'healthy' options and still put on weight, this would I
believe initiate the association of a negative connection between
food and weight. Thereby due to this awareness to notice myself
condition the increase in kilograms of my body weight with the food
being accepted into my body, is this original 'healthy' food product
in fact healthy or not healthy?”
I'm
so confused - and it’s the same concept with the breakfast cereals.
Inquiring
thoughts:
“I
know I want the high fibre, low GI cereal but it always confuses me
with how much fat the cereal contains because it is often high -
except for 'Malties' and 'Mini Weetabix'. Yet as they are crispy
they have horrible added sugar which I detest. So shall I go for
“Unhealthy, high calorie Cornflakes” or the “Healthy, high
fibre but higher fat cereal with lower calories”?
07:15
AM, morning:
Feeling
rubbish this morning as I feel fatter. I'm losing my bones and my bum
is reforming itself =[ I thought it would be easy but it's not. It
didn't really help choosing this Primarni, Versace inspired printed
top because it's quite tight so I feel fat already.
Constipation.
Behaviour:
Went
to sit at my desk in the hospital bedroom. Got out my Ted Baker diary
and filled it in for today. Aware to notice I find out the results of
the John Lewis partnership bonus today too. Once written various
accounts into this diary, it was time I then started writing my
“Weekly Meal Planner” and deciding upon what snacks I were to
allow myself. Repeating the same meal plan for the following week but
thought of changing my choice of cereal depending on whether my
weight increases or decreases.
08.00
AM:
Urination
before going to dining room.
Feelings:
Feelings
of not wanting to have breakfast when feeling so fat. Behaviours
start to kick in. Jege, one of the nurses working upon the ward asked
me what cereal I would like to which I happened to be observant to
notice "Cornflakes" we're to be already present upon on the
worktop of the small communal kitchen.
Behaviour:
I got
the milk and measured it 200 ml and 200 ml of orange juice whilst the
others were weighing their bowls of cereal. I asked Louise if it was
at all possible for her to check my measurement to which she replied
"Okay". I poured all the liquid from the plastic measuring
jug into glass before moving along to measure the cereal to the
required mass of 60 grams.
Thoughts:
“Looks
a big portion, especially when I compare it to Jege's bowl of cereal
to which was much smaller!”
Affirmation:
"It’s
only temporary"
Behaviour:
I
waited for the other patients to measure there bowls of cereal to
which I couldn't help to be curious to wonder for what cereal choices
they allowed themselves to consume.
Samantha Hibert
|
Sainsbury's Blueberry Wheats
mixed with Sainsburys Mini Wheats
|
200 ml Semi skimmed milk
|
Chelsea Brooke
|
Shreddies mixed with Oatibix
|
200 g Yogurt
|
Michael Williams
|
Muesli
Toast x 2
|
200 ml Semi skimmed milk
Margarine x 2 tsps.
|
Anna Smith
|
Oatmeal Porridge
|
200 ml Semi skimmed milk
|
Phoebe May
|
Oatmeal Porridge
|
200 ml Semi skimmed milk
|
Once
all of the patients were ready and prepared then breakfast could
begin at 08:30AM. I poured the milk from the measuring jug onto the
cereal but aware to be skimping on some of the milk by leaving some
in jug and placing the measuring jug which contained the
'Concentrated Orange Juice' stacked on top. Two of the facilitating
nurses Louise and Jege sat upon the table once the patient Phoebe May
was ready... again. I paced it slowly today. Aware to notice the
thoughts of fat, calories and fibre rolling around my head.
Completed
breakfast and so had to allow myself to await for the following
patients to be finished. Once everyone was finished we all were
directed to the lounge for observation.
Behaviour:
Wrote
in my journal before Louise came in with 'Goal setting' sheets for
the week to be filled out. I filled it out then continued with my
journal.
Medication:
Had a
thiamine tablet this morning.
Behaviour:
Off
of observation. I head back to my room to sort out my choices of
snacks I will be needing to consume. Took time to reply to Polly
Richards who said she would come down to visit as she has an
appointment at Sommervale hospital. Aware to notice her message me
back to say she couldn't make it as she was now in town where she is
to be attending her appointment.
Thoughts:
“Oh
well”
11.00AM,
morning snack:
Urination.
Decision:
'Malt
Loaf, Soreen'
Behaviour:
Weighed
out the malt loaf onto the scales and got Louise to check it for me.
96 grams. It's always anxious at snack time as I notice everyone
watching what others are having - subconsciously summing up the
calories etc. I feel really fat.
Toasted
the malt loaf. Toasted the malt loaf for too long as some of the malt
lloaf is to have become stuck to the toaster.
Thoughts:
“Eat
less I suppose” Positive energy.
Decision:
'25
ml of Apple & cranberry high juice.'
Aware
that the normally preferred 'Apple & mango high juice' had been
finished.
Samantha Hibbert
|
Fruit & Nut
|
English tea and 30 ml milk
|
Chelsea Brooke
|
Fruit & Nut
|
High juice
|
Michael Williams
|
Fruit & Nut
|
English tea and 30 ml milk
|
Anna Smith
|
-
|
Coffee and 30 ml milk
|
Phoebe May
|
-
|
Coffee and 30 ml milk
|
Finished
Snack.
Observation
in the lounge.
Behaviour:
Write
in my journal until observation time finished. Went to my hospital
room to sort out my decisions in my snacks.
Thoughts:
“I
think my thinking is wrong. Rather than going for the low calorie
options I find myself going for the low fat. But not considering the
saturated fat rather than good fat which just replenishes the brain.
I am going for all the wrong stuff like bagels, jam, biscuits, cake
as they seem lower in fat yet looking more closely they are high in
salt, low in fibre, high carb - but I can't face going for something
I know is healthy but is really high fat. Like oats and hummus. There
is 15 grams of fat yet only 1.2% is saturated fat. Do I go for this
option anyway or go for foods I know I will definitely not have went
I am out in the community as I am aware I will have that association
with the 'the food that I ate on the ward'. I'm really tired and
confused as this concept spins round in my head! I mean chocolate
digestives are the low calorie option but I can't face the fact of
having chocolate – fear food.”
Behaviour:
I
went onto 'My Fitness Pal' app to weigh up the choices and create
hundreds of lists. It was coming up to 12:00PM and Jege entered my
room to ask if I wanted some time after lunch. I replied I didn't
mind.
13:00PM,
Lunch:
Urination.
Decision:
I had
'Roast pork' but wanted it to come with lots of fat so that there
would be less meat and I could cut it all away.
I
lifted my lid to reveal the 3 slices of pork in excess oil served
with 'Carrots" and 'Mash'. I looked to my right where Michael
Williams was sitting to compare. Aware he ordered the same but had
'Rice' instead of 'Mash'.
Thoughts:
“Why
didn't I order rice?”
Behaviour:
Ah
well. I just ate it. Done. Went to the lounge for observation and
wrote in my journal. Samantha and Michael left.
I
went to my hospital room and wrote in my diary whilst also planning
out the nutrition of the snacks and cereals.
15:30
PM, snack:
Decision:
I
went for the 'Angel cake' as I can quickly swallow them without
thinking much. The nurse Jane Miller was working. I like Jane.
Observation:
Chelsea
chose a bagel.
After
went to lounge for 'Talking group' about 'being out in crowds'.
Thoughts:
“I
guess I was like this in that I feel scared being on my own in case
something happens. Or driving etc. Anna said about not liking seeing
people. Chelsea gets panicky and wears a snood and a hood in the
winter to hid herself and wears sunglasses in the summer for the same
reasons. I don't have that sort of feeling but I can understand.”
Behaviour:
After
observation, myself and Chelsea asked if we could go on our 15 minute
walk around the Sommerville hospital grounds. Jane wasn't available
but got Alan from the ward reception to take us. I went to put on my
shoes and coat. Chelsea put on coat and snood and hood up. Signed us
out and made our way. I just followed Alan as I didn't know where I
was going. Had a nice talk to Chelsea about her situation, her meals
and about being in priory in Exeter and her experience being tube fed
etc. Was really insightful moment to try and gather an understanding
of her own personal journey of recovery from AN.
17:10PM,
returned back from our walk:
Aware
our walk was more like a 30 minute walk than a 15 minute walk! Ha-ha.
Oh well.
Behaviour:
Went
to go to my hospital room when I heard "Oh Becca". It was
nan and papa in dining room. I took them to my room. They were very
smiley for some reason and gave me a big hug. They both sat down in
the chairs in my room. Nan got out some magazines - 'Take a break' -
and a book she was telling me about which she thinks I would like.
Talked
about various things - my fish meal, the patients, what I get up to,
what they have been up to. Papa had a cold and got his valve sorted
out. Chit-chat. Mentioned all the support is there and everyone is
behind me etc.
Thoughts:
“It's
frustrating because it feels as though they are expecting me to be
perfect and "fixed"”
I
then realised I find out my "partnership bonus" today. 14%.
Not as good as last year’s 18% but nothing to be sniffed at.
18:00PM:
Nan
and papa made their way out. Gave a big hug and off they went out the
door.
All
of a fluster as I feel I should have be planning stuff or going on
computer etc.
Urination.
Obtained meal from the trolley. Jane and Sherlie were in this evening
who I believe are to be the two best staff nurses on the ward. I was
really quite anxious having ordered the 'Chicken korma' served with
'Rice' and 'Salad'. I hate it!
Behaviour:
I
wanted to see whether when I write "Becca Freeman - West ward"
on my menu card and not scribe upon the card 'EDU' whether the
portion sizes are smaller. I think they may have been slightly. But
hard to tell.
Thoughts:
“I
kept trying to think 'This is only temporary' but it is hard when I
just feel fat all the time. It's weigh day tomorrow and I just know I
have gone up and I dread it! I can see my body changing and I am
losing my bones and my face is getting fatter.”
Observation:
Samantha Hibbert
|
Beans
Salad
Mash
|
English tea and 30 ml milk
|
Chelsea Brooke
|
Chicken Korma
Swede
Mash
Thought she had ordered a
'Snack meal' but apparently not.
|
High juice
|
Michael Williams
|
Ham
Salad
Mash
|
English tea and 30 ml milk
|
Thoughts:
“I
think Chelsea's portion is bigger than mine.”
"I
got through it just to comply as there is no way I would cook a curry
for myself.”
Finished.
Behaviour:
Went
to observation in lounge. Wrote in journal went to compare nutrition
again and mum arrived. Went to room and sat in bed. Talked about the
university courses as I want sure and whether to do the pharmacy
course at Cardiff as there was an interview but I am stressing
already about it as all I can think about at the moment is food. I
asked mum about her day and told of mine. It was coming up to 20:30PM
and I got my computer out for mum to have a look at the university
course info whilst I went for snack.
20:30PM,
snack:
Urination.
Decision:
Got
out a plate and went for the Jammie dodgers again.
Thoughts:
“The
others look shocked on their faces as they know they are the highest
in calories. Yet low in fat on my list. Ah well, I wouldn't buy them
outside of here and at the end of the day I am here to put on weight
so what's the point in eating food low in calories which I am scared
of only due to the fact they ate low in calories.”
Observations:
The
others had chosen 'Toast and Nutella'. Pheobe got out 'Carrot cake'.
Thoughts:
“It’s
strange how she is with them but funny when having a drink! Argh. She
keeps observing everyone and picking up what they are doing and
getting 'tips'. Like I was the first to have 'angel cake' but only
cause me, chelsea and Samantha were consuming them did she feel she
can do so too.
Behaviour:
Went
back to my room to see how mum was getting on. She said the course
sounded good. I'm just worried about the interview and the university
cost.
22:30PM:
Mum
left. Hugged her and said bye.
Behaviour:
Wasn't
sure whether to have a shower. Went to get stuff ready but somebody
got in it shower before me! Awh no. My hair is so greasy today too!
This
evening I spent all of my time stressing over my snack choices as I
try to weigh up what I feel comfortable doing. Yet with my weight
going up so dramatically I am having second thoughts as to what I am
deciding to pick.
Thoughts:
“I
don't want fruit and nut as they are a whopping 16 grams of fat - yet
in terms of saturated fat they have nothing. So does that mean they
do not put on weight? Consisting of 295 calories. They are not in a
chocolate substance so perhaps they are okay?”
Decision:
I
choose 'Jamie dodgers' as I know I won't eat them at home as they are
'rank' - which is why I feel comfortable to eat them as I don't have
a connection with the food. They are the highest calories with 332
calories yet next on the low fat list as they are 11.2 grams fat yet
45% Saturated fat.
But
then there is the 'Highland oatcakes' and 'Hummus'. They are really
high in fat yet only 21% Saturated fat. Also, high protein, low
carbohydrates, high fibre, low sugar and low calorie of 292.
Thoughts:
“I'm
really having a tough time with this and all I can think about is
food and when my next weighing is as I feel anxious. Can't sleep at
night as I wake up to my bones vanished and fat all over me.”
Behaviour:
Got
into bed eventually. Plugged IPhone into the charger, turned off my
bedroom light and TV which was on for background noise. Aware to
notice myself trying to pick up the other's patients ED habits. Night
night
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